CD11 O minus 7 and counting: Dyke Two gets up in my grill

Dyke Two and I were on the back porch after work today when we heard a voice. The UPS truck had arrived, and the wonderful man in brown was standing there with a box, waiting to hand it over to me.

I grabbed the box, and raced into the house. I knew that it was our order from Good Vibrations. I ripped open the box and nestled inside were a catalogue of sex toys (which was carelessly tossed aside) and 6 clear, plastic speculums.

Dyke Two and I decided to try out our new "toys" and I must say that having a speculum inserted in the privacy of your own home is far better than the sterile, cold environment of the doctor's office.

I, of course, could only see Dyke Two as she was trying to get a view of my cervix. It was pretty amazing to see her face change from the look of concentration, brow furrowed and lips pursed, to the look of amazement, jaw dropped, eyes huge and a goofy grin on her face as she found the cervix.

It was a nice bright pink color, with a slightly open hole and a little ring of glistening CM nestled inside. (I got to use the mirror to look at it too). It was quite incredible.

I almost wanted to grab hands with her and sing Kumbaya, eat some granola and brew herbal tea. There should have been some Joni Mitchell playing in the background. My mom would have been so proud that her initial investment in my future (a copy of Our Bodies Our Selves when I hit puberty) paid off so well. We might have brewed the tea and cued the CD player if I weren't lying there like a beached whale with hard plastic spreading my parts open.

Of course, it seemed more open than we thought it should, so now we are panicking that we are going to miss ovulation.

From a moment of touchy-feely womanpower to a moment of crazed panic in just three short seconds.