How do you avoid passing along your perfectionistic tendencies to your children? My brother and I are both high-acheiving perfectionists. We always have been, and sadly, I think probably always will be. I've reflected on the types of parenting my mom and dad gave us, and honestly, I don't think they were sending us messages that mistakes were bad or that love was conditional. I also don't think my brother and sister in law are sending my neice and nephew those messages.
Over Thanksgiving, my nephew--now in kindergarten--showed us his sight words. He had had the same list since the first day of school, and knew every single one of them. However, he was scared that he would make a mistake reading to the teacher, and had therefore refused to "take the test" to get new ones. My mom and I both encouraged my brother and sister in law to "make" him take the test, and watched them play with nephew and the words. Neither one of them was doing anything that made us think perfection was expected or that making a mistake or taking a risk was bad. Since we are both special education teachers, we know something about encouraging kids to try new things, modeling appropriate self-talk and reducing anxiety.
My dad and stepmother babysat for them on Friday and told me that nephew has new words, so obviously he did end up taking, and "passing" the test. They also told us that while babysitting, he was once again scared to read words he didn't know perfectly. He had 25 words, and read 19 of them perfectly, and refused to even say anything for the other 6. They also relayed the story that he had misplaced the key to his coin bank. He freaked out. Freaked. Out. As they told the story, I realized his reaction is exactly what I do whenever I misplace something, miss a deadline, forget to do something or in any other way show that I am not perfect and in control.
Sunday I left the Education School computer lab in tears. I had just finished my stats take home, and was convinced I had failed it. I told Dyke Two that I was OK with taking the class again in the spring. Yesterday, I ran into the professor who told me he had just graded my exam, and I got a 94.
Seriously, I am almost in tears thinking that there is something we are doing to pass this perfectionism on to Bigfella. I hate to think that he might ever put the type of pressure on himself that I put on myself. Even with our intentional efforts to keep my neice and nephew free of this plague, they are showing they have it.
How do we stop this before it gets worse? I have spent years in therapy, and taken 7 different medications to manage my anxiety and depression (and the perfectionism they stem from). Not only do I want better for myself, I want better for the children I love.
