Monday, March 28, 2005

Heels Are Dragging...It Doesn't Look Good

Now that it is Monday morning, the window of time for PKD to call is over, and he is officially dragging his heels. We spent the weekend feeling like schoolgirls during prom season, "Will he call?" "When will he call?" "What do we do if he doesn't call?" "Why isn't he calling now?" "If he calls now, do we still want to go with him?" "What did it mean when he said such and such two weeks ago when we last saw him?" "What did we do to make him change his mind?" We all know the drill, because we have all been there. I just hoped I had outgrown it.

We were both extremely stressed this weekend. I went into full meltdown mode because I couldn't get the printer to properly print our Save the Date cards (which should have gone out months ago, but better late than never.) Dyke Two sulked and pouted because the restaurant we went to on Friday night for a friend's birthday had terrible service. After I stood in the kitchen bawling Sunday afternoon, Dyke Two looked at me and we both said, "I'm not sure we can do this waiting again. If PKD isn't on board 150% with a complete commitment, then we need to find someone else who is."

We are still waiting to hear from him officially, but we have already moved on to a slightly modified Plan B. Surprisingly, it doesn't include any of the people we identified two weeks ago as our next candidates. Dyke Two went to see one of her doctors last week, and during the course of the checkup, he mentioned that if we needed a donor, he would help us find one. About 4 months ago, her other doctor in the same office made the same offer. The two doctors are gay men, a couple and business partners. As weird as it felt for her doctor to be involved in finding a sperm donor, the idea has grown on us over time.

Our state laws are very vague about how "donor" is defined, and makes it clear that sperm obtained from a bank is "donor sperm" but doesn't include anything about sperm obtained through private arrangements. It also talks about doctor supervision and treatment for infertility in its definitions of "donor sperm." We are cautiously optimistic that using the docs as an intermediary/reference for obtaining a donor might make the legal stuff more clear cut.

We are also hoping that by using a donor recommended by the doctor that we might find someone with a better sense of responsibility, punctuality and obligation. Additionally, if the doctors recommend someone, the recommendation comes from their gut feeling that he is medically clean. And, if he is already a patient of theirs, they can help us tremendously in getting the insurance company to cover the costs of most of the tests. We both talked about how even if PKD comes back to us today with a yes, we are not sure that we can trust him to be timely with donations.

The silver lining this weekend is that we both are aware that we are on board. We both want a baby, and are excited to move forward. We both have experienced the stress of waiting for a deadline and we both have experienced the letdown and disappointment when the answer you get after the deadline is not what you expected. We also both realized that this is not a process either of us can do alone. It is going to take both if us giving all of our strength and support to the other to get us through this.

I jokingly said that our 2WW is not over. It feels akin to having received a negative HPT, but no AF yet. Dyke Two looked at me in dismay, and said, "You mean it will be like this every month?!" Surprisingly, we are more frustrated and disappointed that we have to continue the search for a donor, not that PKD finked out on us. I think we both knew in the back of our minds that it was a distinct possibility and were more seeing this through to the end. If PKD calls today with a yes, it is actually exciting to think that we have moved to a space where we are back in control and need to decide if the conversation and process is something we want to pursue.

I also think it is good that we are seeing this now, instead of after going through the expense and hassle of drawing up legal paperwork, undergoing testing and getting ourselves geared up for a specific cycle. Even if he had agreed smoothly now, it doesn't mean that come insemination time, he would have shown up as scheduled.

So, while the weekend brought us some disappointment and frustration, we have come through it clear-headed and ready to move forward. We might have been temporarily disappointed, but we are now re-grouped, energized and ready to move in a new direction.


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