I don't know what to call it, but I've got it

Baby blues, post-partum depression, post-partum anxiety, dysthymia, generalized anxiety disorder. Call it what you want, since it all feels the same. And, it's the reason I haven't been blogging much recently.

In my previous life, before Bigfella, I took a variety of SSRIs (Celexa, Prozac, Zoloft, Lexapro and Effexor) and a variety of anti-anxiety or sleeping meds (Ambien and a couple of drugs in the Benzodiazepine family). I went off them 3 months before trying to get pregnant, and have been drug free ever since.

But, over the past few weeks, I have come to terms with the fact that I need to go back on something. I am struggling with insomnia, I have little energy and, I have begun to imagine out the details of accidents, deaths and illnesses in myself and those around me. This morning, Dyke Two left for a breakfast meeting, saying something about how she was leaving, but would come back, since the trash cans needed to go to the curb. I thought she meant she was taking the cans to the curb. When she didn't come back in 15 minutes later, (she was after all at breakfast) I became convinced that she had died outside. Yes, died. But, rather than go outside to, you know, check on her, save her life or call the ambulance, I was too scared to leave the bedroom. So, I stayed in bed for another 30 minutes, until I realized that if she were dead in the driveway, the neighbors would have noticed and called someone. So, I got up, checked for her car, and when I saw it was gone, remembered she was having breakfast with a friend.

So, yeah, once classes start again and I can see the folks at Psych Services and have some semblance of a schedule and routine, I'm signing up for some headshrinking and some pill popping...