The Ark's Needs: According to Google

So I got an email that made me chuckle this morning. I'm just going to paraphrase it because it wasn't particularly well-written, and G-d knows I can't have grammatical errors on my blog.

So what you're supposed to do is enter your name and the word "needs" into Google. (I suppose any search engine would work, but whatever...) Copy down the first (or funniest) web page summaries that appear.

When I did that this morning, the Spirits of the Internets clearly knew us well:

[Bigfella] needs a friend. [Bigfella] needs to create enemies and situations where his talent and deeds are called into question to properly motivate himself. [Bigfella] needs those wheels. He's a hefty fellow. Shake your booty [Bigfella]!

[Dyke One] needs a team of committed people to pray for her and her ministry. [Dyke One] needs to think about [Dyke One] right now. [Dyke One] needs to do laundry.

[Dyke Two] needs a map to find where she is. [Dyke Two] needs to publish, not travel. [Dyke Two] needs whores, too!

I just want to know: what is Bigfella capable of if given proper motivation? Where is this ministry of mine? Will Dyke Two ever finish HER dissertation? What will those whores do to our marriage?

And, how the hell do the internets know about the massive pile of laundry next to our washing machine??